I would love to feel grateful all the time. Who wouldn’t? The truth is – I don’t. That is me being honest, although part of me wants to defend myself so you will understand, and yet another part of me does not even want to admit to failing to appreciate all I have. But, this is a writing about being real, not about being who you might want me to be.
As usual, there is a reason for my leveling with anyone reading this. Being real might get uncomfortable, but something tells me it is going to be life-changing. Recently, I discovered that although I have tons and tons to be grateful for, the nagging feeling beneath my ‘trying’ to control my feelings would no longer stay beneath the surface. I honestly think it might have been what being sick for almost a year was all about. I needed to stop. I could almost, but not quite touch this huge feeling of despair in me. I finally did….get to the bottom of it, so to speak.
What I found was anger, a huge amount of it. I am still working through it, but I feel better and better.
I was trying to gloss over disappointments, hurt, childhood memories, and often just ignore them. I was doing this without really knowing the consequences. Not only was I sick physically, I was emotionally beginning to lose all feelings. The cure, for me, was to sit and write with total abandon, just let it all out, rave and rage! You might not think that seems healthy, I know we are never told to do that. Well, it feels super healthy, even calming, to work yourself up and then sit in the feelings until you realize they can’t harm you. Besides that, dammit, you have been nice about it long enough.
This morning, I realized as mad as I am about ‘this and that,’ I really like myself and my life. This realization came from this very real place in me. It wasn’t just me trying to make myself feel better, it was my deepest appreciation for the real me. So, the idea of putting ‘pink icing on a bomb’, was never a good one.
Feel it, express it, be honest if even with yourself. It is a great gift to yourself, your health and ultimately probably everyone around you.