Taking My Power Back

Is there always a blessing in disguise?

Ever have a feeling you are supposed to do something about something but don’t know what it is you are supposed to do?  Like there is more to your story, another chapter, yet all you really feel is frustrated because nothing that you can think of is calling to you?  Your children are growing up and moving out, and the very last thing you want to do is take up a hobby, unless of course the hobby is your true-life passion.  Could it be the ‘sense of blah’ you are feeling is actually a clue?

I would be the first to admit that I spent very little time in my life considering my true-life passions. I felt far too much pressure from myself, my chosen partners, and the world around me to do anything other than work at making a living.  So that is what I did, I figured out how to get a job, move up the corporate ladder and keep up with what I thought was expected of me.  That is until my world came crumbling down.  That crash 12+ years ago started me on a new journey, one of introspection.  What did I want my life and personal legacy on this planet to look like?    I had to begin again, rewire myself to be the person I wanted to be in the world and not the one I thought I was supposed to be.

Many joys and an equal amount of challenges later, I can honestly say I have built a life that, if I left this planet tomorrow, I could say was mine.  I broke through lots of conditioning, rebelled against norms, learned to be generous beyond being reasonable, and actually started to love myself for taking the time to look further into myself and this thing we call life.

So back to the present, what exactly does this lack of passion, this sense of blah mean?  I wish I knew for sure, yet as of late many signs and chance encounters have been very revealing- I have a lot of fear.

Fear about what?

I am almost ashamed to say, my age.  I am 59. I don’t think old, I don’t look old, I don’t act old, but I adopted the belief that society calls 59 old, and I am admitting I took the bait.  I was deep down feeling that no matter what I did or how great it was, it was still happening to a soon-to-be-60-year-old woman, and what is the value in that?  It was too late for me.  I will never again be exciting or a role model for others, I am too old.  Oh yes, there are still certain advertisers, or programs specifically geared toward ‘women my age’ but that is just it, what the heck does that mean?  If this is a way of trying to make a person feel special at any age, think again.

You practically feel invisible other than the occasional ad saying, ‘mature women find your youth here’.

So what now?  I am in the process of finding out.  I am pretty sure it will involve finding my power in this truth I discovered, and doing something about it within me.  I am not exactly sure.  It almost as if I was actually hiding a depression at being almost 60, and this made up story is the very thing I am supposed to do something about, because I am pretty sure I am not alone.  What I find exciting and fascinating is that maybe my life’s passion will be like the gratitude I experienced after finding my truer self-many years ago: a sort of rebirth, restart, re-wire, and un-telling and undoing the damage to myself.  Maybe in helping myself to find a way to feel power, self- love, and passion rather than the fear of being an age that society does not value, I will light a path for others.   60 is starting to look better already, and suddenly I am up for a new challenge.