Before we came to this intention, I thought, “I got this.” I know I am worthy, and I can totally help others who might not get it. I am, after all…. WORTHY. Another way of saying it is, I am important and have value.
And while I might be so, I now realize that this word, this idea, this intention, had my name written all over it. The word actually makes me a little crazed. Here is why: I discovered that I am worthy, very worthy, but I struggled dearly with realizing why. I also learned an important lesson: when I struggle with being worthy, it is because I am out of sync with myself. I am questioning my worthiness. I truly believe I am at this computer writing this, because my sense of who I am became clearer, and my worthiness grew beyond what I knew was possible. My hope is that you are here, now, reading this for that very reason. As with all things of an unexplainable nature, be aware, I can point the way, but worthy is an experience that is so within, you cannot find it without.
If we have had to the opportunity to meet, you might think, “Dawn is worthy; she has value. Look at all she has! A beautiful home, healthy kids, animals, friends, that looks like worth to me.” Or you might know that I own my own business, have traveled, or recently bought my dream car, and think, “that must mean she must know she knows her WORTHY.” Guess what – there is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that any of that means when it comes to my worth. How do I know? I just do, and that is part of what worth is: being able to know you are the answer to you.
I am worthy because I have a relationship with myself. I admire and trust myself. I value who I am, and know who I am no matter what anyone else sees or thinks is worthy. I also know that without the relationship I have with myself, the outside world is pretty much worthless. I know the unexplainable and inexplicable part of being-ness that is me (and you as well), and that is the worthiness that I have come to know. It is worthiness that the world is seeking. It is the stuff that fills the hole within all of us, with truth.
So back to the one thing I now know for sure. You can have a money in the bank, a house in a beautiful setting, the car of your dreams, healthy children, a good job, even time to volunteer for your favorite cause, and still feel UNWORTHY. Not only do I know this first hand from living it, but I also know this is true from coaching others. Everyone seems to want to feel worthy. They are trying to learn more, give enough, take more actions, even dress the part, but true worth is elusive. They do not feel they have earned it.
I have not always felt worthy. And for me not feeling worthy seemed to be a major reason for my difficulties, and in turn for my lack of happiness. It is hard to be happy when you do not value yourself. I admit, I did not feel I was important. No amount of outside praise seemed to change this, and regardless of what I bought or accomplished, it did not help. Come to find out, the fundamental problem could not be solved by anything, anyone or any action I took in the world.
On any one day:
- I paid little or no attention to my feelings;
- I did not think I mattered so, basically, I never asked myself what would make me happy;
- I took responsibilities very seriously and wore the world on my shoulders;
- I knew I was born with some sort of character defect; and
- I refused to change because, I knew that it would not matter.
You see the “problem” needed to be approached from a different level. As is often said,” the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I was more or less insane, not seeing that I was creating my own circle of despair.
There was only one real change, just one: I became SELF AWARE. While this might not sound like a huge shift, it was. I became aware of an amazing self who I had never noticed. It often feels almost impossible to describe this new self-awareness. The best I can do is describe the changes I experienced in my life:
- I felt my breath and my body as energy for the first time;
- I heard clearly a voice of knowing that existed under the level of my thoughts;
- I realized that many of the beliefs I professed I did not truly believe and I could now be honest about that;
- I saw myself as a creator;
- I saw how much I limited myself and stopped being a bully to myself;
- I started playing and goofing around more;
- I stopped counting money, because I knew I could not count high enough to find value;
- I stopped weighing myself and learned to trust myself with food;
- I said YES to what I wanted, and at the same time, I wanted less;
- I started using my imagination to picture my ideal life;
- I saw myself as perfect, whole and complete;
- I felt gratitude for everything in my life, especially the “difficult stuff”;
- I understood that I had value because I valued myself; and
- I knew that inside of me was something unexplainable, more that anyone could even imagine was there, and I started to love myself for this “stuff”: my amazing passion for animals, my nature to always seek more, my love of beautiful things……. I said “YES” to me knowing I must be made this way for a reason, a beautiful reason.
I was worthy because I found this higher self, was one with me, but I had feared it because I listened more to the outside world, than to myself. The world outside of me could never appreciate the real me, until I appreciated myself. And, if what I felt or did felt out of alignment with what I had learned or been taught, I asked myself, “who said that anyhow, and how did they know?”
I emerged slowly as the person I knew existed. I was worthy whether or not I went to church, was divorced, had a college degree, a family to count on, or weighed the right amount. The higher self was with me all along, I was just never okay with her existence because I had become not only a “judgmental god,” the same one that society and religion made up, I was suffocating myself trying to be “normal.” I believed I was not okay and could not possibly be my own authority, and so I became what I believed.
In looking at these changes they feel small compared what I felt inside of me. I felt this personal power to exist, exactly as I am. To exist and be not only okay with being me, but to feel validated because I stepped back and saw this person who had been through so much. I suddenly felt amazing love and compassion for myself.
I knew me as me, but I was able to look at myself through the eyes of a divine being. What enables us to feel THAT? I realized I was worthy because I AM that, both conscious of me and me at the same time. The part within us that watches, creates, has an imagination, has compassion, knows peace, loves, and can change the world through thoughts and actions is far more related to the image we have of god than to what we have come to define as man. Now that is worthy!
YOU ARE WORTHY TOO, and I hope you take the time to honor yourself enough to BE your worthiness.